It's War! Bitterroot Badger vs Squirrel Zen

I was pointed to this certain blog, Bitterroot Badger's Bozeman Buddhist Blog, who was kind enough to talk positively about my one of the posts I made here. I was enjoying Bitterroots’ blog, and wanted to get to know a little bit more about this Badger, so I took the unfortunate choice to click on his ‘Bitterroot Back-story’ .What I read there horrified and disturbed me! His hatred for squirrels is unparalleled in the anal of history, as I have never seen one Badger so driven to the goal of exterminating all squirrels; he is truly Grover Cleveland and Howard Taft rolled into one....stuck inside a Badger....living in Montana....who happens to be a Buddhist....and has a pretty cool blog.

Now I don’t mind sharing the intraweb with another furry Buddhist, but this Badger I will not room with!

Badger Quotes:

“Shoot, the place is all but overrun by ground squirrels and I didn’t see no shoo-away-the-damnfool-squirrel rituals bein done.”

“I know we’re a little bulkier than the peabrain squirrels and that a few badgers have tarnished the reputation of the rest of us, what with their rabies and all.”

“And maybe with everyone’s help, some day I’ll find a way to genuinely love them ground squirrels. That day just ain’t quite here yet.”

So, Mr.Badger, Mr. I hate You Zen Squirrel, let me tell everyone about all the dirty little secrets about the Badger! These are all verified by the National Cancer Association and my cousin Frank.

1. Badgers are born with no anus. It is also a known fact they struggle daily with their addictions to food, crack cocaine and Ted Danson.
2. Badger’s are not, repeat, NOT cuddly. I slept with a Badger last night, whom I may add, I picked up on the seedy side of West Virginia and all I got was Badger warts and rug burn.
3. Badgers are just Beavers with no purpose. The reason they are in Montana is that Canada kicked 'em out for not being “beaver” enough.
4. Badger’s fought with Hitler in WW2.
5. Badger’s testicles have been known to fall right the fuck out of their Badger scrotum.
6. There are no Badger women, as Badgers have both sex organs, so they fuck themselves all the time!
7. Badgers are bitter that us Squirrels ran them out of Oregon by merely flexing our most awesome muscles and high intellect.

I mean, seriously, what is Montana known for? The Uni-bomber, Canadian Drug Cartels and the source of Bubonic Plague. And famous Montanites? John Wayne Gacey, Ted Bundy and the B-52’s. All of them just horrible! And what’s up with this Big Sky crap? I’ll tell you what, meth….82.7% of Montana’s population is high on Crystal Meth and Diet Pepsi. And it should be called MANtana because I hear its over 90% men. It’s a total sausage fest up there. Montana is like one big sad Billy Joel concert, no one really wants to be there, but there is no real way out.

Badger are sneaky creatures and it is near impossible to get them on camera. Here is an artists rendition of what the Badger looks like.

Now squirrels on the other hand!

1. We are known for our most awesome Kung Fu and ESP.
2. Our nuts are the size of acrons and we use them often.
3. Squirrels liberated France in WW2 and ended the rule of Stalin over Utah.
4. Us squirrels have been known to have IQ's reaching in the 200's; we have squirrel MENSA; we call it  MENSTRUATE
5. Squirrel ZEN is the most popular form of Rodent ZEN this side of Delaware.

This is how awesome us squirrels are, just watch!



and Badgers??? (Warning, very disturbing footage of Badgers)



So I ask you, which rodent do you side with? The Dark Evil Bitterroot Badger or the Most Glorious Zen Squirrel?

The choice is yours!

"Hug me. I am lovable."