I wanted to do something a little bit different for this post, as I think we pay way too little attention to our politicians and celebrities in the West. This is especially true for famous people who are Buddhist, along with their status as a sex symbol. And since Tricycle Magazine is asking everyday people how they came to Buddhism, I thought I would ask the more important people, you know, celebrities and shit, how they came to Buddhism. Below is my top ten list of the hottest, sexiest Buddhists on the planet, with a quote and some basic information about them. I hope you all enjoy!
Stephen Harper - Prime Minister of Canada - "I found Buddha for the first time when I was going through my daily routine of murdering kittens by yanking their heads off. All of the sudden, it was like a light went on after I popped one of the little fuckers heads off, and I looked down and it smiled at me. After that moment of clarity, I've been much more compassionate while murdering kittens, just like how I am murdering the Canadian economy."
Country of Origin: United States
Measurements: 32 - 42 - 26
Dr. Henry Kissinger - Former Secretary of State under Richard Nixon - "I first came to Buddhism after I convinced Nixon into bombing and killing a few million of them Buddhisty people in Vietnam. I felt so badly that I had helped bombed the fuck out of their country, that I wanted to at least replace one of them."
Country of Origin: Germany
Measurements: 40 - 40 - 70
Actress Dana Plato from the TV show Different Strokes - "I became a Zen partitioner after I found myself one night on the streets of Las Vegas, giving old men hand jobs for a hit of crack cocaine. Now I can cup the balls of my johns much more mindfully. Different Strokes for Different Blokes I say!"
Country of Origin: United States
Measurements: Dead
Singer Amy Winehouse - "Who the fuck are you and where did you put my bloody tennis racket?"
Country of Origin: Great Britian
Measurements: 26 - 12 - 18
Actor/Singer David Hasselhoff - "A Tibetan Lama who I met in a bar in downtown LA showed me how not to vomit cheeseburgers after drinking a 5th of vodka. I took her back to my place and had sex in the shower after we shared a scrumptious puppy. Turned out he was just a Mongolian transvestite named Crazy Train, but none the less, I stuck with Tibetan Buddhism."
Country of Origin: United States
Measurements: 48 - 60 - 36
Meow Mix Spokescat - Mr. Meow Meow - "You have no idea the shit I have to put up with from the execs at Meow Mix. They are such a bunch of fucking ass-clowns, and after attacking and slicing up a few of their fucking ugly faces on the set of my commercials, I was sent to an anger management class run by a Sri Lankan monk. It was perfect! He taught me how to control my anger, but more importantly how to quietly get rid of the Meow Mix executives like the Sri Lankan government got rid of those Tamil Tigers."
Country of Origin: Hungary
Measurements: 8 - 17- 10
Rapper Lil John - "Say What?"
Country of Origin: United States
Measurements: 30 - 20- 20
Actor Mel Gibson - "I need a woman! Not a fucking little girl with a fucking dysfunctional cunt. I need a fucking woman. (panting) I don't need medication. You need a fucking bat in the side of the head. All right? How 'bout that? You need a fucking doctor. You need a fucking brain transplant. You need a fucking, you need a fucking soul. I need medication. I need someone who treats me like a man, like a human being. With kindness, who understands what gratitude is, because I fucking bend over backwards with my balls in a knot to do it all for her and she gives me shit, like a fucking sour look or says I'm mean. Mean? What the fuck is that? This is mean! Get it? You get it now? What mean is? Get it? (panting) You fucking don't care about me. I'm having a hard time, and you fucking yank the rug, you bitch, you fucking selfish bitch. (panting) Don't you dare hang up on me."
(He actually said this, I didn't even have to make it up. Mel spent many years in Bhutan learning how to skillfully beat up his girlfriends and wives.)
Country of Origin: United States/Austraila
Measurements: 38 - 38 - 38
Julia Gillard - Prime Minister of Australia - "Stop fucking calling me Reba McEntire you stupid twat!"
Country of Origin: Australia
Measurements: 36 - 26 - 32
Actress Christine Hendricks - Mad Men - "One morning I woke to find one of my tits had turned into Bruce Willis's head. He looked up at me and whispered something about needing more LSD and loving the Buddha. Today, Bruce and I are happily pursing the path of the awakened titty."
Country of Origin: United States
Measurements: 36/42 - 26 - 36
God, I love satire posts! See, they didn' actual say any of this stuff.
